Today, April 15, is the day I was supposed to be born. My mother's full-term due date—which I audaciously ignored, debuting more than two months early. Every year on this date, I get philosophical. I wonder who I might have been. If I would be "me" at all.
Would I be healthy? Would I be neurotypical? Would my teeth be straight, my vision 20/20? My skin smooth and one consistent shade? Would I be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer? The best daughter. The functional friend. Someone capable of love who is loved in return? Would I have a spouse by now? Children? Pets?
It's my own Sliding Doors story. My own perpetual "What If?" What would have happened if I'd stayed inside a little longer? If I hadn't come out half-baked?
Would I be happier? I think that's the biggest question. Would I be whole? Would I have escaped some of the traps I fell—and jumped—into these past 42 years?
I don't know. I wish I had answers. Instead, all I have is this day. Maybe it's fitting that it's Tax Day, too. Because my memory pays a tax to that person I never became.
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Saturday, March 21, 2020
I'm a romance author who's never had a relationship. Or at least that's what I tell people—and they are almost always shocked by that assertion. It's only in recent months that I've realized it isn't strictly true. I have had one significant long-term relationship. A toxic twenty-year on-and-off affair with alcohol...that's been in tandem with my lifelong partnership with fear. I've always been so afraid. Afraid I'm terrible, unlikable, unlovable. Afraid of what I'll say and what I'll do. Afraid of not being funny. Of not being cool. Of not being pretty enough. I grappled with those fears alone through my teens and into my first few years of college. And then I realized drinking softened the edges. A glass in my hand was like Dumbo's feather. It gave me the courage to fly.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
1. Proper English by KJ Charles
2. An Unconditional Freedom by Alyssa Cole
3. A Prince on Paper by Alyssa Cole
4. A Darker Shade by Laura K. Curtis
5. Teach Me by Olivia Dade
6. Well Met by Jen DeLuca
7. Trashed by Mia Hopkins
8. Rebel by Beverly Jenkins
9. Mangos & Mistletoe by Adriana Herrera
10. The Beast of Beswick by Amalie Howard
11. Ayesha at Last by Uzma Jalaluddin
12. Brazen and the Beast by Sarah MacLean
13. The Austen Playbook by Lucy Parker
14. A Duke in Disguise by Cat Sebastian
15. The Takeover Effect by Nisha Sharma
16. The Rogue of Fifth Avenue by Joanna Shupe
17. Realm of Ash by Tasha Suri
18. Three Part Harmony by Holley Trent
19. The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics by Olivia Waite
Suleikha's 2020 books to look out for:
Love Lettering by Kate Clayborn
House Rules by Ruby Lang
Headliners by Lucy Parker
Deal With the Devil by Kit Rocha
The Worst Best Man by Mia Sosa
The Prince of Broadway by Joanna Shupe